Patch

Canadian River, West Texas


From Rob, June 18th, Canadian River, West Texas, near the New Mexico border.

Well that stupid guy Rich went and got snake bit. Not by your regular old western diamondback ratter, but one that had to be over 5ft. long and mean as they come.

After leaving Star Bucks in Dallas, we headed west for Clovis N.M. Stopping at Lubbock, Texas; I got hold of my Air Force buddy. He said there had been sighting along the Canadian River near the New Mexico/Texas border. Off we went.

Darn good thing my truck is 4 wheel drive, as it’s needed in this country. We ran into a rancher who let us camp on his land near the river. The first night was uneventful, but things changed fast on the second night. Just after sunset, we spotted a UFO, and it looked liked the same one that I saw in Emory.

Rich and I jumped in the truck and took off following the UFO up the river. After following the thing for an hour, the UFO stopped and turned facing us. I stopped the truck and quickly put on my UFO hat and wrapped Rich’s head with aluminum foil.

We left the truck where it was and started walking toward the UFO. I told that dummy Rich to watch where he was stepping as there was cow patties everywhere and I didn’t want cow sh** tracked into my truck. That’s when he stepped on the biggest rattlesnake I’ve ever seen.

I mean how dumb can one be? Of course the snake bit him, not once but twice. Rich jump about ten feet after the snake bit him, knocking me down and knocking my UFO hat off.

The UFO was about a mile away when all this happened, but as soon as that hat fell off, here it comes! Now I’ve got a five foot long pissed off rattlesnake crawling around me, a snake bit dummy flopping around screaming his head off and a UFO heading toward me. Another big eyes and brown shorts moment. And I was worried about some cow sh**!

What to do, what to do, nothing as the snake was now about 6 inches from my nose. Rich is flopping ever closer to me and the snake, the UFO is getting closer by the second and I smell cow sh**. Naturally I fell on a fresh cow patty.

I yell at Rich to stop flopping around if he didn’t want bit again, but he just keeps flopping. Now the UFO is right on top of us and lights us up with that bluish/white flood light. I swear I see the thing shaking. It’s laughing at us, sure as anything it’s laughing, laughing so hard the whole UFO is shaking.

How did this happen, laying in cow sh**, a 5ft. rattlesnake so close its tongue almost touches my nose, and a UFO has me dead in its sights. Man was I having fun or what? I froze, scared to move, thinking if I move I’m dead.

Finally, after what seemed forever, the snake crawls away, the UFO turns the flood light off and takes off, heading west. Rich keeps flopping around until he kicks me in the head 2 or 3 times before I can get up and away from him.

I jump up and grab Rich and hold him down until he calms down enough to understand what I’m saying. I tell him to quit moving as that will make the poison spread faster. Using my belt I make a tourniquet around his leg and take off for the truck.

Getting Rich into the truck, I head for Amarillo, the nearest city with a hospital. Amarillo is a good 100 miles away and the way Rich is swelling up, he looks like half of the Pillsbury Dough Boy, I have doubt that he’ll make it. Well, I’m now sure that Rich isn’t an alien, as I doubt that a snake bite would hurt an alien.

Twelve hours later I’m sitting in the Oldham County jail all thanks to that dummy Rich stepping on a snake. DWI is why I’m in the jail, plus speeding, plus failing to obey.

Finally on reaching a highway, I take off for Amarillo at over 100 mph so says the county police. Also I had a big thirst on after all that happened, so I drank a couple of Lone Stars while driving toward Amarillo. That’s when the county mounties pulled me over. They start telling me to do this, do that and I start yelling at them that my buddy is snake bit and dying. Well after me having a fit, they check on Rich and said ya your right, looks like he’s dying. Well I have to give these cops some credit, after checking Rich out the called for a helicopter to transfer him to a Amarillo hospital. Then arrested me for DWI, speeding and not obeying an officer, so here I sit in the Oldham County, Texas drunk tank. If Rich lives, I’m going to kill him, I knew better then to let guy tag along.

Here in Oldham County Texas when arrested you are allowed one phone call. They just don’t say when you can make it. My plan was to call Patch to come and bail my sorry ass out of here, and out of Texas.

Saturday June 18th, Oldham County Texas jail. Have been sitting here over 36 hrs. when in walks Rich! Wait a minute, the last time I saw this guy he looked liked death warmed over. Now he waltzes in like nothing ever happened.

Hay Rob, I’ve got everything taken care of, all you have to do is plead guilty to speeding and having an open container and we’re off.
What? I thought you were dead or near dead, what happened?
Ah, couple of shots of anti-venom and I’m good as new.

Well I don’t say anything to this statement, but I’m thinking no way. Anti-venom stops the poison but doesn’t make you better. Ok, let’s get out of here first, then try to find out what happened.

Two hundred sixty seven dollars of fines and one hundred dollar impoundment fee, Rich and I were back on the road.
Rob, you know why those county cops busted you?
No, why?
Because of that Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker on the back of your truck, that’s why.
This is Republican country, Rob. Soon as we get back to camp, let’s scrape that sticker off.
Well this makes sense as everyone knows a 1989 F-150 won’t go a 100 miles an hour, and two cans of Lone Star will not make you drunk, hell a 12 pack of Lone Star won’t make anyone drunk.

We made it back to our camp and find the rancher on who’s land we're camping, sitting there waiting for us to show up. Hear you boys have been having fun, he says. I told you all not to chase those UFOs. And walking around here at night is a good way to get snake bit, he adds.

He goes on telling us we better move across the Texas line into New Mexico as those county cops still want a piece of us. He owns land over there and gives us directions to get there. So we thank the old guy, pack up camp and head out across the Texas State line into New Mexico.

We set up camp again beside the Canadian River. We’re sitting by a nice fire drinking the last of the Lone Star (no more of this stuff) and I’m trying to get Rich to explain a few things. Like, how did he recover from that snake bite? What did he say to that Texas Judge that let me off so easy? I’m also back to thinking this guy is an alien after all.

Any way, as we were driving out of Amarillo, I called my Air Force buddy. He said, Rob go to Ship Rock and hung up. Now what? This guy always has something to say, normally you can’t get him to hang up. Ship Rock, that’s up on the Navajo Nation, could the UFO be up there?

Ok, Patch. We leave in the morning for Ship Rock. On the way I’m determined to get some answers from Rich. I mean what’s up with this guy? Should I dump him or keep him close and watch him?

Patch, I’ll try to keep you posted as to what I’m doing and where I’m at. I’m sure if this Rich stays around, something will happen.

Rob

P.S. Patch, all this time, Rich has this aluminum foil wrapped around his head and not one of those Texans said a thing to him about it. Not one, wouldn’t you think someone would ask him about it? In fact, he still has it on, says you never know when an UFO will show up.

Another thing Patch, Rich ask me “do you know what today is?’. Ya, it’s Fathers Day. No, today is Juneteenth day. Patch, what the heck is Juneteenth Day?
Posted By Patches