Patch

From the Borowitz Report

President Bush addressed the immigration issue head on today in a speech in Grand Rapids, Michigan: “To those who would illegally enter our country seeking jobs, let me say this: stay where you are, and eventually our jobs will come to you.”

After rece iving only muted support for his sweeping proposals to overhaul Social Security, President George W. Bush attempted to sweeten the pot today, offering all retirees the opportunity to serve in Iraq.

Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean today announced his candidacy for the chairmanship of the Democratic National Committee, proclaiming, “It is time for the Democrats to pass the torch to a new generation of losers.”

A new survey of Democratic voters indicates that in a hypothetical match-up between Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and former presidential nominee John Kerry, most Democrats would choose suicide over either candidate.


Hours after a Homeland Security Dept. list of ideas for terror attacks against the U.S. appeared on several public websites, al-Qaeda terror kingpin Osama bin Laden took to the airwaves to blast the list for being “not detailed enough.”

After President George W. Bush signaled an end to calling French fries “Freedom Fries” at a dinner with French president Jacques Chirac this week, millions of jubilant Frenchmen poured into the streets in demonstrations of euphoria reminiscent of the end of World War II.Cries of “Vive Bush!” could be heard from the rooftops of Paris as French citizens celebrated the end to two years of living under the cruel yoke of “Freedom Fries” derision.

On the day that the U.N. Kyoto Protocol finally went into effect, President George W. Bush reaffirmed his strong support for global warming, arguing that the phenomenon helps to make the world a “toastier, homier” place.

Under pressure to detail an exit strategy for Iraq, President George W. Bush said at a White House briefing today that he would not designate an exact timetable for a withdrawal of U.S. troops but added, “The fastest way to bring the troops home would be through Iran.”

Just hours after confirming that the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was over, President George W. Bush leveled his harshest charge ever at Saddam Hussein, accusing the former Iraqi dictator of “knowingly telling the truth” about not possessing WMD in the months leading up to the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq.“After years of lying about his weapons, Saddam Hussein willfully decided to tell the truth about them,” Mr. Bush said. “His treachery knows no bounds.”

President George W. Bush today proposed splitting the strife-torn nation into a series of red and blue states “in recognition of the deep hatreds that divide the Iraqi people.”

Elsewhere, Vice President Dick Cheney blasted the United Nations’ handling of Iraq’s oil-for-food program, alleging that the organization accepted bribes and kickbacks that were rightfully Halliburton’s.

Elsewhere, experts said that if over-the-counter pain medications are banned and Viagra is not, women will say they have headaches more frequently than ever before

This one just cracks me up

In a tearful resignation speech at the White House today, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge admitted for the first time that he is “totally color blind,” a condition that made choosing terror alerts “a living hell.”